I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
