I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
