she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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