awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
As shirtless as possible
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
