also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
