you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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