but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
