I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
