if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
