He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize