so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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