The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
