I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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