i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
