rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
