I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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