I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
