3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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