I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
