Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
