Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
