I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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