Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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