Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my phone needs a breathalizer
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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