dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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