And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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