She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
