i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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