Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize