dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
