remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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