I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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