i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
