literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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