Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
