We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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