Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I am available for nakedness
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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