Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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