areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
