"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
the day after is always just damage control
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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