im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
