On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
