Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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