She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
