The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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