and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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