i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
