Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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