Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize