I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In other news, I just burned my penis
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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