Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
