I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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