i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
