Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize